3/17/04 Edit: Originally, I thought this was going to be Ep 5, but based on the ordered list of ep titles that Tim Minear posted on Buffistas.org (which was the source for the episode numbering at SpoilerSlayer), it looks like it was actually written to be Ep 7.)

Title: Lovesick Ass

The screener for this one was 42 minutes long, so I don't expect it to change very much before airtime.

In the teaser, we see Eric on top of Jaye's trailer installing a satellite dish. On the lawn, Jaye and Mahandra admire Eric's butt. Eric and Jaye are flirting like MAD. Mahandra goes in to get Eric a bottle of water (so that Jaye can continue "supervsing"), and comes out with the brass monkey and wax lion, making kissy-kissy noises with them. The monkey says "inappropriate touching!" and the lion says "this isn't fun for anyone," so Jaye takes them away. They sit back on the bench swing, and Mahandra asks why Jaye hasn't started a relationship with this boy yet. Jaye says she has issues, which Mahandra dismisses. But Jaye is convinced that if she starts a relationship with him, it will lead to romance, cheesy gooey-eyed, greeting card romance, and that never ends well.

Cut to Katya, a striking wide-eyed Russian blonde with a suitcase, approaching the fountain in front of Wonderfalls. She gazes longingly at the Maid of the Mist statue, and then starts to look around, hope gleaming in her eyes. Every man that passes, she smiles at, but they all turn out to belong to other women. By the end of the day, she's still alone, and feeling let down. She sits on the edge of the fountain, puts her head down on her suitcase, and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Jaye is opening the store, and Barrel-bear tells her "Girl needs a boy." Really not what Jaye wants to hear first thing in the morning, especially since things with Eric are still confusing and vague. She storms through the store, turning on lights, opening windows, etc, until she gets to the coffeemaker, where she pours herself a mug. A stuffed donkey on the counter (the Lovesick Ass of the title) says to her "Girl needs a---" she cuts it off mid-sentence, threatening violence if he tells her she needs a boy. "--donut," Lovesick Ass finishes instead. "Girl needs a donut." This pleases Jaye, and she reaches for one, only to find the box empty. The donkey looks innocent.

Jaye walks outside to buy donuts, and runs into Eric...feeding donuts to Katya. It turns out that he bought them for Jaye, but Katya was starving, and a little voice told him that Katya needed them more. "Voice?" asks Jaye, "there was a voice?" "You know," says Eric, "that little voice inside your head?" "Oh," says Jaye. "That voice." See, Katya was supposed to meet her fiance at the fountain, and he never showed, so she slept there all night. Katya's fiance has no phone number or last name. Everything she knows about him is in a stack of printed out emails. And she's still hungry, so Jaye and Eric take her to breakfast at the Barrell. (Apparently, Wonderfalls can open itself.)

As Katya takes full advantage of the Barrell's unlimited Buffalo wings ("is like chicken, yes?"), Eric and Jaye peruse the emails. Jaye makes fun of the poetry, and Eric tries to get her to be serious. Jaye doesn't understand why he's getting involved in something so potentially messy if he doesn't have to, but Eric just says "She makes me sad." Jaye asks if he's attracted to her, and if it's because of Heidi. But no, Eric just seems to want to be nice. Also, he's been in love, and he knows how much it can hurt, so he wants to help. He tells Jaye that when she finally opens herself up to being in love, she'll understand. Mahandra is the one who figures out that Katya isn't supposed to be getting married at the fountain, but at the Fountain of Love wedding chapel, at 6 pm tonight.

So Jaye and Eric drive Katya over to the chapel, where it turns out that the reservation for Katya's wedding was canceled, just the day before. Jaye asks if they can have the guy's name and address, at least, but the chapel person isn't cooperating. Meanwhile, Eric is having a panic attack, which Jaye thinks he's faking. When he faints, she seizes the moment to steal the page in the reservation book with Peter's contact info on it.

Outside, she compliments him on his brilliant acting, and then realizes that he actually really fainted. He guesses he's more affected by being left by Heidi than he realized. But on the plus side, they now have Peter's address, and can go confront the sonofabitch face to face.

When they get there, Katya is having second thoughts. Does she really want to talk to the man who obviously doesn't love her as he claimed to? But Jaye and Eric press her, arguing that she deserves closure (Eric's argument), or at least money for a plane ticket home (Jaye's). So she steels herself, and rings the bell. It's opened by a 13 year old kid, and they ask to speak to Peter Johnson.

"I'm Peter Johnson," the kid says. "And you must be Katya. My darling."

Katya is both bewildered and furious ("You sent picture! You were big man, not unripe dumpling!" "I used photoimaging software to age myself. In 12 or 15 years, that's what I'll look like.") but Peter assures her that he still loves her, and he would have married her too, if he hadn't been grounded. He bemoans using his dad's credit card to reserve the chapel, if only he had cashed in a bond instead! Katya goes to attack him, but Eric and Jaye hold her back.

Since Katya has nowhere to go, Jaye and Eric take her back to Jaye's trailer until she can figure out what to do. While she's sobbing in the bedroom, Jaye and Eric talk more about love. Eric says you have to risk the heartache to get the good stuff, but Jaye's not buying it. He asks if she's ever wanted someone she could just be herself with, and Jaye says she's not sure who that is yet.

Katya bursts in, crying that she wants to go home to Russia, she's alone, she has no one. Jaye says well, everyone is alone, really. Katya says no, you have each other, and Jaye corrects her a little too forcefully for Eric's liking. Just then, Peter is shouting "Katya!" outside, and when Jaye opens the door, he says "I've come to collect my wife!" and Katya starts throwing everything she can find at him as Peter launches into a long speech about his cabin in the woods where he'll keep her safe forever. Eric decides Peter needs a talking too, someone to teach him how to be a real man. Jaye decides that that's no job for a guy, and follows him.

They take Peter to the Barrell, and try to explain to him why he needs to leave Katya alone. Unfortunately, Peter isn't buying it. He found a woman, he paid for her, he intended to marry her and provide for her at the cabin near Lake Chattaqua. Eric points out that he lied about who he was. Peter says, "She knows who I am now." "Yeah, and she doesn't want you," says Jaye. "See what happens when you tell the truth?" Jaye decides to stop talking. Eric tells Peter that the basic point is, never go after a woman who isn't interested, because it will just make you crazy. Jaye picks up the subtext and they start to argue in thinly veiled terms about their relationship. Peter, of course, thinks they're still talking about him, and gets the mistaken impression that Katya may still be interested in him, and leaves the table. Jaye goes after him, pins him against a wall and tells him to stay the hell away from Katya. Unfortunately, this has the effect of making Peter fall in love with Jaye instead.

Kaye meets Sharon for a hot dog, and asks her to help get Katya out of her trailer and back to Russia. Sharon isn't interested, but Jaye begs, so she relents.

When Jaye gets back to the trailer, it's all cleaned, and Katya has set a romantic table for two. The other being Eric, of course, since Jaye made it perfectly clear she wasn't interested. Katya brings out a big platter of fish in aspic, and when Jaye tries to leave, Katya says "No no, is plenty for all. You can be third wheel!"

Dinner is fun for Eric and Katya, who talk about everything from love to capitalism to how to play hearts (complete with subtext, of course). Jaye, aggravated, gets up to do the dishes, and we see Peter outside watching her. He sees Eric come up behind her in what looks like a tender moment between lovers. He growls, "I'll show you a real man," and bikes away. Inside, Eric picks a piece of fish out of her hair. Jaye tries to figure out what's going on with Eric and Katya, but he's not being helpful.

Meanwhile, Peter is biking furiously, right into a boxing glove on a pole that he's set up in the middle of the road. He knocks on Jaye's trailer with a black eye, and says "Look what your boyfriend did to me."

Jaye goes to tell Eric the next day, and he says "That's ridiculous." Jaye says of course she knows he didn't do it, but it's still a problem. Eric says Jaye's the one who gave him a taste for violence when she threw him against that wall. As usual, the conversation winds around to them again, Eric saying that Jaye already made it perfectly clear she wasn't interested, and Jaye denying that she's ever made anything perfectly clear. So he asks her point blank, "Are you interested?" And she replies, "If I were in a position to be interested in someone, it would safe to say it would be someone not unlike you." "So, did you just come down here to deliver your mixed message in person?" But no, it turns out that Peter has invited Jaye to the opera, and she doesn't know what to do. Eric suggests that if he won't listen to either of them, they find someone he will listen to.

Eric approaches Peter's father at his construction site, saying "I need to speak to you about your kid." "What about my kid?"

Jaye opens her trailer door to find Eric standing there with a black eye. "Look what your boyfriend's father did to me." Apparently, Eric implied that Peter was taking his cue from the way his father treats his mother, but Peter's mother is dead. Jaye puts ice on Eric's eye while Katya massages his head. Jaye decides that the only solution is for her to start dating him.

She pulls up in front of the opera house, and picks Peter up. Peter says he's glad that she's through with that abusive boyfriend of yours. Jaye says that he's not her boyfriend, and he's not abusive. Peter says he's a liar, and probably smokes cigarettes. Jaye says he doesn't smoke, he doesn't lie, he doesn't deface synagogues, and he doesn't frequent gay bathhouses. Peter says he has pictures, Jaye says "You have photoimaging software!" Peter insists that if she comes to his cabin, he'll keep her safe, "we have a cellar." This is not reassuring. Jaye tells Peter that he could learn a lot from Eric, and he'd be lucky to grow into half the man he is. Saying it surprises her a little.

At the construction site, Mr. Johnson doesn't seem particularly surprised that Peter's been causing trouble. Jaye explains about Katya, and Mr. Johnson asks what Peter was going to do with a wife. "Keep her safe," says Peter, "Keep her safe and make sure she doesn't die. That's what you're supposed to do with a wife." Mr. Johnson realizes who this is really about and says, "Peter, she had cancer." "Well then, you should have kept her safe from carcinogens, and microwaves! If you had loved her more, she wouldn't have died. If you had loved her like I love you," turning to Jaye, who breaks in "And, that's my other problem." Peter runs off, and Jaye follows him to make sure he's not stealing her car. Which...he is.

So she hitches a ride on a poultry truck back to the Barrell, where Mahandra tells her that Eric just left...with Peter. Apparently they were going to the cabin, which worries Jaye. She tries to borrow Mahandra's car, but since Jaye's explanation for where hers is is "I lost it," Mahandra thinks it's not a great idea. So Jaye asks where Eric's car is, and then realizes she has no keys, and then realizes that she doesn't actually need keys to start a car that doesn't belong to her.

Eric and Peter arrive at the cabin, Peter telling Eric that Jaye is inside, passed out. Eric is clearly not buying any of it, but he goes inside anyway. Peter grabs a baseball bat and follows him in. Eric looks around, calling for Jaye, as Peter swings, and Eric grabs the bat from behind. Peter is shocked that Eric discovered his plan.

Mr. Johnson (whose first name turns out to be Dick...yes, Dick Johnson, who named his son Peter) goes to the trailer park to see if he can help Katya in any way. He wants to pay her way back to Russia, but she insists that throwing money at her can't solve the problems that Peter has. He's a tortured poet! Tortured, yes, says Dick, but poet? So Katya shows him the emails. She starts to recite one, and Dick joins in halfway. It turns out that he wrote them to his wife years ago, and Peter must have found and copied them.

Back at the cabin, Eric and Peter sit on the porch talking about love. We think they're talking about Jaye, but actually they're talking about Peter's mother. Then they start talking about Jaye. They start at "she is a Rubix Cube" and end at "she's a Rubix Cube" and "She's here," as Jaye pulls into the driveway in Eric's car. Jaye is shocked that one of them's not dead. Peter tries to compliment her flushed cheeks, and she tells him to shut up and get her a soda.

Sharon arrives at the trailer...which is a'rockin'. She comes a'knockin' anyway, and is greeted by Katya in a sheet. Sharon explains that Jaye wanted her to help Katya return to Russia, but Dick walks over (covering himself with a pillow) and says that Katya's not leaving now, and maybe not ever, but he'd appreciate it if Sharon would.

Eric and Jaye are talking, and Jaye says she's not ready to have this conversation. Eric says not to worry, it's not going to be a conversation, it's going to be a speech, given by him, to her. Basically, he's very damaged by Heidi, and she's got many, many issues, etc etc etc "which is why we should absolutely have a date." "A date?" "You do know what a date is, don't you?" "I know what a date is! You're not talking about the fuit, are you?" She protests a bit, asking why he'd even want to be involved with her. "Because you make me happy," he says. And she kisses him. Post-kiss banter, and another kiss, and Peter watches. He congratulates Eric on his victory, gracious enough to admit that the better man won the girl, and tells them not to worry about him, he'll be fine...as Eric's car bursts into flame in the background. "You know," he says, "Eventually. I may still have issues."